Dear Abby: My cousin (more like a sister) has made some extremely rash and concerning choices over the last year. After she had her second baby, she left her husband and started seeing a series of borderline-abusive men. She’s now in the process of signing full custody of the children over to her ex-husband and impulsively buying a house out of state.
What I’m finding challenging is, she will accept nothing less than “full support” from her family and friends. She has cut off her sister, to the point of not attending her wedding, because she expressed that maybe it was time for her to talk to a professional about her mental health. She hasn’t spoken to her mother in months either.
I don’t want to cut her off, because I think she genuinely needs help and is experiencing something very challenging. But she’s trying to manipulate her ex-husband into giving her more alimony money, while she runs around with a man who verbally abuses her in public.
I think she’s a danger to herself, but if I say as much, she’ll cut me off too. Should I stay in her life so I can help when she inevitably needs it? Or should I take a harsher stance?
—Concerned Cousin in Oregon
Dear Cousin: Tell your cousin (who is more like a sister) you love her dearly, but she’s making some serious mistakes, and you are afraid for her future. It’s the truth. Let her know that watching her estrange herself from her family has been painful for you, and if things don’t turn out as she hopes, you will be there for her. Then back away until the dust settles.
Dear Abby: For the last 20 years, we have owned a comfortable home a few blocks from the ocean. With both a main and a back house, we can sleep as many as 11 or 12 people. We have always welcomed our children, grandchildren and their friends unconditionally. They, in turn, have been judicious about accepting our offer. Since we are now up in years, the work is becoming difficult for us.
Five years ago, one of our grandchildren married into a difficult family. While we are fond of our new grandson-in-law, he insists on bringing his parents, sibling and their family dog to our home. They are loud and ungracious. There is a difference of opinion among us as to whether we can or should refuse to continue welcoming them. Your thoughts?
—Tired in the East
Dear Tired: For a guest to bring other people (and their pet!) without first clearing it with the host is extremely rude. If the host shows reluctance, for the guest to insist is even worse. I’m sorry you didn’t nip it in the bud in the beginning. Explain to your grandchild that you are not getting any younger and hosting the entire family has taken a toll on you, which is why you WILL be restricting the invitation to only your family members in the future.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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