Dear Abby: When my first wife and I were in our early 20s, she left me for another man. It was difficult, but I worked through it, learned to trust again, and remarried a few years later. This may be hard to believe, but 46 years later, my ex-wife thought it would be a good idea to try to connect through social media. I knew how to find her if I wanted to, but I had no desire to relive that memory. I made the mistake of replying that I didn’t think it was a good idea to connect. Unfortunately, that response led to her trying to explain why things happened in the past. It seems she didn’t realize that once you dump someone, you forgo the right to be friends, regardless of how long ago it has been. Her explanation brought back much of the pain I felt so long ago. Please let your readers know that once you divorce, it is over forever, so hopefully, they won’t have to deal with this like I have.
—Disappointed in the East
Dear Disappointed: I am passing along your message. However, some people can’t just move on with their lives after a divorce because they are tied together by their children. What your first wife may have wanted was forgiveness from you, or help in forgiving herself, but you were not obligated to relieve her of her guilt. I’m glad you have firmly closed that unhappy chapter in your life. Now, go on. Live your life and don’t look back.
Dear Abby: My husband constantly tells me everything I do is wrong. He was in the Army for 23 years. We have been together for five years but married for only 2 1/2 of them. When I try to cook, he tells me that’s not the way to do it. I used to love cooking, but now I hate it, so I quit trying, although I still cook whenever he’s gone. He is the only one of us with an income, but he said he doesn’t want me working because of my health problems. He had a quadruple bypass six months ago, and it changed him for the worse. His recovery was remarkable, but he began drinking. He no longer talks to me — he yells and argues from the time I get up until I go to bed. I’m at the end of my rope and not sure what to do. I love him, but I can’t live like this anymore. Please give me some ideas on what to do.
—Hurting in South Carolina
Dear Hurting: Start looking for a job. It may give you a degree of independence and get you out of the house. Your husband was already controlling before his surgery, and you need space to breathe. If his emotional abuse continues, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) and describe what has been going on. Although you love your husband, you may have to decide if you can remain with the status quo.
Dear Readers: I wish a very Happy Mother’s Day to mothers everywhere — birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers who are raising their grandchildren, as well as dual-role dads. Orchids to all of you for the love you give not only today but each and every day.
—Love, Abby
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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