Dear Eric: I’m part of a group that meets up on a regular basis to engage in a hobby. These gatherings have been a great refuge for me. We have enjoyable, interesting conversations and a great rapport. One friend, “Rose”, has started including her daughter “Tracy” in some of these gatherings, which has changed the group dynamic and frankly, made things not fun anymore.
Tracy is immature for her age (early 20s), is very negative and critical, and she frequently interrupts to steer conversations to herself, among other rude behaviors. Rose never addresses Tracy’s poor manners.
I feel for Tracy, as she doesn’t have a job nor does she seem to have any friends of her own, but she’s an adult and these are her choices. Ordinarily, I’m an inclusive person, but I’ve reached a breaking point concerning Tracy. I could speak directly (and kindly) to Tracy when she’s disruptive or talk to Rose about why she doesn’t correct her daughter’s poor behavior.
But Rose has publicly thrown things back in my face in the past, so I can’t imagine what would happen if I called out her daughter in front of her or suggested that her daughter is ill-mannered. I could bow out of events that Tracy will attend, but it’d be awkward to ask Rose in advance if Tracy’s going, then say I can’t go. I cherish these friends and want to continue meeting up with them, but I can’t think of a good solution to this situation.
—Anti-Social Group
Dear Group: It sounds like Rose and Tracy have challenging aspects to their personalities. Perhaps both are related to mental health conditions or neurodivergence, perhaps not. But it’s likely that Rose is bringing Tracy as a way of helping her daughter navigate social challenges. So, you may feel differently if you apply another standard to Tracy. Going into your meetings with the thought “Tracy is doing her best and Rose is doing what she thinks is best” puts you in a different mindset than the thought “Tracy’s bad manners ruin my time.” It also sets you up to potentially have a conversation with Rose that isn’t focused on chastising but rather on accommodating everyone’s needs, yours and Tracy’s included.
I don’t want to put this all on you. I recognize the frustration you’re feeling. But more often than not, we’re the only ones we can change. Accepting that this is what Rose has chosen to do will help you let go of what you expect from the group and work with what is.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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