Dear Eric: I had a relationship with a man for eight years, during a turbulent time in my life. We broke up five years ago. He has cut all contact with me. However, he still talks to my mother. She pays his rent, bought him a new car that was the same make and model as the one she helped me buy, but one year newer.
I have told her that her contact with my ex makes me uncomfortable. I know she is her own person, and I can’t make her stop. But I hate that he is still connected to and leeching off of my parents.
She has some story about owing him something for how he took care of me (blech! I’m an adult and can take care of myself!) The other story she has told me is, she will stop contact once he graduates his teaching program (he has been in and out of various teaching programs since 2015). How can I get her to see how awkward and inappropriate her contact with my ex is? As it currently stands, she doesn’t talk about him with me, but sometimes I walk in on her on a phone call and she won’t tell me who it is (so I immediately know who it is, because she wouldn’t hide anyone else from me) and sometimes I accidentally see her emails from his property company. What can I do?
—Awkward Forever
Dear Awkward Forever: This is more than awkward; it seems close to predatory. It’s especially troubling that your ex has cut off contact with you but still maintains a one-sided financial relationship with your mother.
While you’re right that your mother is her own person and has to be responsible for her decisions, if she’s been convinced that she owes your ex something, it’s possible that this has hallmarks of financial elder abuse. I want to stress the word possible — I cannot say for certain that’s what’s happening. But if you suspect your mother is being exploited financially, contact your local Adult Protective Services Program (you can google the APS for your state or go to napsa-now.org to find listings for every state).
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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