Dear Eric: My husband and I met three years ago and recently celebrated our second wedding anniversary.
My grown stepdaughter (27) seemed to like me during the first year after I moved into her dad’s house. But she soon changed from being a nice/fun/interesting person to being moody and filled with mean comments toward me.
Her dad was as unhappy as I was with this change, but he did warn me ahead of time that she had been on her best behavior, and it wouldn’t last. When she was 16, she didn’t speak to her mom for 18 months and has a history of being different.
After several issues arose from her visits, her dad spoke to her, but he didn’t make it clear that we were both affected by her moody and negative behavior.
She has declared that she no longer feels welcome to visit our home despite the fact that I have made it clear that she is.
I feel like I was thrown under the bus by her dad’s decision not to explain that her behavior bothered both of us.
I don’t understand why her dad won’t call her to let her know that it wasn’t just me who was affected by her moody behavior.
She has recently sought therapy and seems to be making better choices for herself, but she opted out of a conversation she asked to have with the three of us present. I love and care about her, but she is emotionally unavailable toward me.
Any ideas what I can say to her dad to get him to have an open discussion with her, so that she understands that this isn’t about me picking on her?
— Not the Wicked Stepmother
Dear Stepmother: Not sure whether your husband was understating when he told you his daughter was on her best behavior or giving you an accurate forecast. But it sounds like this is an on-going, perhaps lifelong game of push-and-pull with her, one that he’s largely powerless against. So, consider that, from his perspective, it may not matter what he says to his daughter, specifically.
I understand the importance of clarity here — you’re trying to avoid a narrative that paints you as the antagonist. But, from your telling, your stepdaughter had made up her mind about you before your husband spoke to her. The mean comments and difficult visits indicate she’s already cast you as the villain, so I wonder how effective an open discussion would really be.
Instead, try talking to your husband about how you can both navigate this moodiness and antisocial behavior. How can you support him and how can he support you, and how can both of you, together, set boundaries for yourselves that are loving but protect your emotions? This is still relatively new territory for you, being two years into the marriage, so give yourself and the situation time, recognizing that most of this is not really about you or anything you did.
Dear Eric: When we moved to our new home, we realized we had a great view of our town’s Fourth of July fireworks. Last year we invited a diverse group for a barbecue and fireworks viewing.
One of the guests, a relatively new acquaintance, thought it was too hot to stay outside all evening, coming outside just for the fireworks. This left my husband outside grilling and entertaining the others, while I stayed inside with one guest.
I do not want to do this again. I’d like to enjoy all our guests. I know this guest will expect an invitation again. How do I let her know she needs to “join the party” if she wants to come for the fireworks. Due to the traffic situation in our small town, the road in closes about 6 p.m. on July Fourth, so it’s not possible for her to arrive just before the fireworks.
— Outside Only
Dear Outside: As the host, you get to define where the party is and how the party works. Which means that this year you can tell your guests in advance that the party is only going to be outside this year. (Easier cleanup, privacy, etc.) Or you can let her entertain herself inside, should she choose to go in. This second option might seem a little silly – who wants an acquaintance wandering through their home or sitting idly on the couch? But this, too, can be a form of hospitality. She wants to be at the gathering, but she wants to stay cool. She certainly had no issue deciding to go inside and make herself comfortable. So, if you’d rather be with the rest of your guests, consider releasing yourself from the expectation that you have to create a secondary event inside for her. Paying the bill for the AC is hospitable enough.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
