Dear Eric: I had a bad falling out from a very toxic job a few months ago. Since it ended, I’ve been dealing with feelings of shame and betrayal, but I’m doing what I can to clean the fallout from my brain. I’m in therapy, I’ve taken up some new hobbies, and I’m reconnecting with old friends. I’m taking some time off from full-time employment (I still have a small side hustle), but I have some savings and I’m taking care to protect my “on ramp” for a future job search.
A close relative keeps bringing up the fact that I’m underemployed. She keeps insisting that she’s “worried about me.” She sends me job posts and says that “something is better than nothing,” or that I need to “get back to real life.”
The truth is that I am a bit stalled and lost right now, but every time she brings it up, I end up in a shame spiral where my choice to take time for myself feels like “procrastination and laziness.” It’s making it harder for me to enjoy this time off.
How can I communicate better to this relative about the effects of her well-intentioned meddling? I’ve increasingly been shutting her out, but I don’t really want to. I just wish I could talk to her about where I’m at without feeling ashamed and pressured to job search.
Alternatively, how can I summon the fortitude to not let her comments bother me and keep my mind on what I want for myself? We’re both early-career adults, if it matters.
— Trying to Protect My Brain
Dear Brain: There’s a part of your plan that’s quite exciting — you’re taking a nontraditional path in the interest of healing and self-improvement. This has the potential to make you a more fully actualized person and a stronger candidate for employment.
Shame is a complicated and vicious emotion that can pop up in surprising ways. It can keep us from the solutions we need and convince us that self-sabotage is actually self-help. It’s good that you’re regularly checking your thinking in therapy. Working out things like timeframe (how much financial runway do you have? When do you plan to start looking again?) and progress markers (how are you tracking your development? Are there ways that others can assist you?) will help you feel less stalled.
Two options for your relative: be completely honest — her pestering is not helpful; you are struggling with shame; you don’t want to talk about this until [insert ways she could actually be helpful, like listening without judgment or taking a look at your budget]. Or incorporate the unsolicited job posts into your plan by devising a “perfect job” rubric and applying it to each position. This would also help your cousin to help you better. If she’s not sending you the right jobs, tell her how she can improve her helpfulness.
Dear Eric: I have been a special education teacher for 51 years. I have never responded to any of the advice columns, however the one from “Mother of Two” was quite disturbing. Having worked with children with mild to severe disabilities, which includes emotionally and behaviorally challenged, this behavior resembles torturing and finding pleasure from it. The older child was torturing his younger brother, and by smiling when told to stop by his mother, showed callousness and lack of remorse. I disagree with your response and feel counseling, both individual and family would be indicated. I fear for this family and the future of these children. These parents need to be sure the younger child is protected and not at the mercy of his older brother.
— Alarmed
Dear Alarmed: You’re correct and I reached out to the letter writer directly the day the response was published originally. I was overwhelmed by the content of the letter and, in the end, didn’t focus enough on the most important piece of advice, which was ensuring the safety of the younger brother and therapeutic treatment for both boys and the family. I wrote that the behavior of the older brother could escalate to bullying or abuse, but the fact is it already has risen to that level. The letter writer and her husband need to take immediate steps to separate the boys, provide the younger son with a space of his own, with a locked door, and get counseling for both boys. They should also talk with the older boy’s doctor and/or a psychologist about the behavior they’ve witnessed. It’s likely this isn’t an isolated event. The husband’s cavalier response is also something that needs to be addressed in therapy. I appreciate you writing. I regret that the answer I gave originally didn’t meet the standard that I set for myself. I share your concern for this home.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
