Dear Eric: We are retired grandparents to 7-year-old twins who live close by. We are delighted to help with kiddo chauffeuring, grocery shopping or anything else needed by two very hard-working parents.
Today after dropping off groceries, my wife noted that the refrigerator, in her opinion, had an unpleasant odor and was very quick to share her opinion with my son-in-law. She is also rather critical of many of his habits. And her opinions are not without merit. But my mother always said, “less said, better mended.”
When I say to my wife, “too much mother-in-law,” I catch hell.
I think something has to be said to mend this or should I just go back to my corner?
— Too Many Opinions
Dear Opinions: It’s a shame we can’t get rich off of people adding their two cents. But since no bank will accept opinions as currency, some change is warranted here.
Your son-in-law has to manage his relationship with you and your wife, so if he’s feeling chafed by her opinions, he’s got to learn how to say something. You’ve told your wife what you think. Now it’s fine to back off.
However, if you feel something needs to be mended in the larger relationship, it’s fine to talk it through with both members of the couple but loop your wife in first. This way it doesn’t seem to her like you’re talking behind her back.
It’s perfectly reasonable to say, “I’m uncomfortable with the way our relationship is playing out with our son-in-law. I’m going to talk to both of them about ways that they can feel better supported. You can come along if you want, but this is just for listening and for learning.” Sometimes we just need to be heard and understood. And, who knows — maybe they don’t notice the comments and just appreciate your help.
Dear Eric: I read the letter from “Disrespected,” whose nephew planned his wedding on the same weekend as the letter writer’s mother’s 100th birthday, I just have to share this with you. My husband and I have been happily married for 51 years. We paid for our wedding ourselves, coming from working-class families. My husband’s cousin was also engaged. The man she was engaged to came from a family that had money. They eloped the same day we got married and just came to our reception. We are at our reception sitting down at the head table when her mother, my husband’s aunt, comes up and asks us to hold up the meal until they arrive. I was really surprised but I was not going to let this ruin our day. I just politely said no because we had a schedule to keep. They arrived and made a big to-do. We didn’t let it ruin our day because we figured that our guests would just see them for what they were. We had a grand time – great food and lots of dancing and merrymaking and a wonderful time was had by all.
— Double the Fun
Dear Fun: Oh my! I’ve heard all kinds of money-saving tips for weddings, but this takes the cake, literally. I’m glad you were such a good sport about it and didn’t let it diminish your joy.
Dear Eric: You gave good, practical advice to “Left By Friends,” a recently retired attorney whose friends “disappeared” after a rare dementia diagnosis.
Here’s an additional perspective:
No one chooses to get dementia. Without well-established prevention or cure, we would all agree that dementia is not the fault of the person who has it. Joining support groups or taking steps to engage socially are good ideas for the person living with dementia, but the solutions are not theirs to bear alone. Consider this: dementia visits one in 10 of us around retirement age, and one in three of us a couple decades thereafter. At this prevalence, each of us knows someone living with dementia, whether we realize it or not.
We all have the opportunity as family and friends to learn how to care for and be supportive of our loved ones with dementia. Perhaps those of us with healthy brains even have a social responsibility to do so. Friends worth keeping will not run away from but rather run toward those living with dementia. “Running toward” typically starts with taking a short training course. Virtual sessions are available from certified nurses with the Dementia Institute; many communities across the country have in-person training too.
— Running Toward
Dear Running Toward: This perspective is so valuable. We talk a lot about the importance of preventative care; this strikes me as a kind of proactive care. I love the idea that we can meaningfully prepare ourselves to support loved ones, acquaintances, even strangers before a diagnosis.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
