Dear Eric: Several years ago, my mother-in-law passed away due to dementia. During the time of her illness, my husband and I took care of everything, including selling her house, auctioning off her estate, dealing with her boyfriend who could never admit she had dementia, and dealing with the COVID restrictions for visiting her. Of note, my brother-in-law lives in the upper Midwest; we, and his mother, live in Florida. The burden was put on us, not him.
On the day of her viewing, it was only my husband and me. I took pictures of her lying peacefully in her casket and forwarded them on to my brother-in-law. I got a scathing email from my brother-in-law saying that he had specifically asked not to send pictures of her dead. He only wanted to remember her healthy (how convenient).
To be honest with you, I didn’t remember that conversation as I was too stressed out from the whole ordeal. I feel guilty for sending the pictures but not really sorry for doing it because they finally had to deal with her passing firsthand. They did not have to live the ordeal like we did. I felt like the pictures were something I needed to share. Should I feel guilty for sending them, because I still do?
– Photo Regret
Dear Photo: Guilt is not a very useful emotion. It’s good information, sometimes, but what matters is what we do about the guilt, internally and externally.
I know that the complicated process of settling your mother-in-law’s affairs, particularly during COVID lockdown, was hard for you. But you’ve got to acknowledge that what your brother-in-law is dealing with, including his own denial about his mother’s illness, is hard, too. There’s no hierarchy of suffering. You can start to alleviate some of that suffering — yours and theirs — by reaching out, apologizing and trying to make amends.
In the grand scheme, you owe each other apologies. They didn’t show up for your mother-in-law in the ways that would have been helpful, and that’s not fair. But you don’t get to dictate how your brother-in-law remembers his mother or how he processes his grief. Your actions, as you’ve described them, weren’t malicious, but it’s important to acknowledge their impact.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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