Dear Eric: Twenty-six years ago, my mother worked with a married woman who was pregnant with her fourth child but couldn’t afford to add another child to her family. My sister and husband had a son and wanted a daughter. My mom arranged for the two women to meet, and my sister adopted the baby.
For some reason, unbeknownst to the rest of the family, my sister and her husband decided not to tell her daughter that she was adopted. Therefore, everyone in our family has kept the adoption knowledge to ourselves.
My question is, should I ask my mom for the birth mother’s information, name and address? My reasoning is that my mom is now 85 and my sister and her husband are in poor health. I believe my sister has destroyed all documents regarding the adoption, so I doubt any paperwork would be discovered by my niece after her passing.
If my niece ever questioned her heritage, then I would have some information to share with her. I’m struggling because on one hand I think this is none of my business and on the other hand I think my niece deserves to know the truth when or if the time comes. I would not initiate the conversation.
—Struggling for Truth
Dear Truth: Ask for the information. Your sister and her husband put your whole family in an unfair position by making this a lifelong secret. Like all of us, your niece deserves to know her own history and she should be able to choose whether or not she wants a connection with her birth family.
While DNA testing wasn’t prevalent 26 years ago, it’s quite common now. I’ve heard many stories of people finding out new information about their families of origin or discovering family members of whom they weren’t previously aware. Your niece could find out she’s not related to her parents by blood at any time. So, it’s best that someone in the family is able to answer the questions she’s bound to have.
You might also talk to your sister and brother-in-law about your plans. Even ask for their support. This isn’t meant to force them into doing something they don’t want to do. But knowing that you’ll be able to bridge the gap in your niece’s knowledge may prompt them to have a conversation with their daughter while they still have time.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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