Dear Eric: We live in big city where houses are very close together. My neighbors keep their trash bins in the driveway close to my front and side doors. They have three dogs, and the bin banging begins early, sometimes before seven in the morning.
My living room and kitchen are right next to their driveway, so I hear banging from trash lids all day long from throwing dog waste and more.
When I worked, I probably didn’t notice as much but I’m retired now, and it is really getting on my nerves. I want to ask them to please try and close the bin quietly instead of just letting the lids drop and bang, but my husband thinks they will retaliate and make it worse.
We mostly have a good relationship with them, but I do not want to have this banging the rest of my life. Ideally, they should put their bins in the alley, but I would settle for quiet shutting as I guess it is convenient for them to keep close to my door. Your thoughts?
— Quiet Please
Dear Quiet: If you have a mostly peaceable relationship with your neighbors, it doesn’t seem likely that a request like this would escalate to retaliation. It’s a reasonable ask and your solutions — either moving the bins or being more conscientious about shutting them — are seemingly easy to implement.
Whether in a big city with its close proximities, or a remote piece of land where the nearest house is barely in view, or somewhere in between, we have to figure out how to live in harmony with those around us. As with any other relationship, one of the foundations of good neighbor-hood is communication. And that runs both ways. When you let them know what you’re experiencing, you empower them to make a change. So, don’t be afraid to speak up. Now, it’s also true that some people are, well, jerks. And if that’s the case and they set about making more noise, rather than less, then you’ve got a different issue. But I’m hoping conscientiousness wins out for your sake.
Dear Eric: I have remained close with my college roommate, Chris, for 45 years. Life has not been easy for her due to various health issues which I believe all stem from her unhealthy eating habits. About 10 years ago, after Chris was laid off from a job she loved and had worked at for years, she found herself in a financial bind. She came to stay with my family in another state for several months, rent free, while she looked for another job and an affordable apartment, neither of which panned out.
After advising us that she was going to stop looking until she got back from a planned cruise, I finally had to ask her to leave when we realized we were being taken advantage of. Before Chris left, we paid off her car loan to help her along. Since then, Chris has continually called to ask for money because she knows I can afford to give it to her. She has asked for and been given money from other friends as well to help her out with her medical bills. The last time she called I finally put my foot down and told her I was not going to give her any more money. Now I find myself feeling guilty, but I am also feeling resentful. I do worry about Chris and what will happen to her. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
— Guilty Friend
Dear Friend: It makes sense that you’d feel a complicated mix of emotions. You care about Chris — and have for decades — and you want what’s best for her. You’ve also put a lot of energy into helping her out. But, from your telling, Chris isn’t being active enough in finding solutions to her financial troubles. Or, at least, as active as you’d prefer. So, the guilt likely stems from the feeling that you can do more, even though you suspect that doing more for Chris might not solve the underlying issue.
It’s worth considering that Chris may have other struggles that are preventing her from getting back on her feet. This doesn’t give her free license to treat you like an ATM, but perhaps thinking about her journey in a different way will help ease the resentment you’re feeling.
Now that you’ve drawn the line, you have an opportunity to redefine how your friendship works. You might talk with her about how those requests felt to you and how you’re feeling now. The goal is to clear the air a bit so that, ideally, you can be there for each other as long-time friends and, potentially, you can provide support for Chris in ways that aren’t monetary.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
