Dear Eric: I have remained close with my college roommate, Chris, for 45 years. Life has not been easy for her due to various health issues, which I believe all stem from her unhealthy eating habits. About 10 years ago, after Chris was laid off from a job she loved and had worked at for years, she found herself in a financial bind. She came to stay with my family in another state for several months, rent-free, while she looked for another job and an affordable apartment, neither of which panned out.
After advising us that she was going to stop looking until she got back from a planned cruise, I finally had to ask her to leave when we realized we were being taken advantage of. Before Chris left, we paid off her car loan to help her along. Since then, Chris has continually called to ask for money because she knows I can afford to give it to her. She has asked for and been given money from other friends as well to help her out with her medical bills. The last time she called I finally put my foot down and told her I was not going to give her any more money. Now I find myself feeling guilty, but I am also feeling resentful. I do worry about Chris and what will happen to her. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
—Guilty Friend
Dear Friend: It makes sense that you’d feel a complicated mix of emotions. You care about Chris—and have for decades—and you want what’s best for her. You’ve also put a lot of energy into helping her out. But, from your telling, Chris isn’t being active enough in finding solutions to her financial troubles. Or, at least, as active as you’d prefer. So, the guilt likely stems from the feeling that you can do more, even though you suspect that doing more for Chris might not solve the underlying issue.
It’s worth considering that Chris may have other struggles that are preventing her from getting back on her feet. This doesn’t give her free license to treat you like an ATM, but perhaps thinking about her journey in a different way will help ease the resentment you’re feeling.
Now that you’ve drawn the line, you have an opportunity to redefine how your friendship works. You might talk with her about how those requests felt to you and how you’re feeling now. The goal is to clear the air a bit so that, ideally, you can be there for each other as long-time friends and, potentially, you can provide support for Chris in ways that aren’t monetary.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
©2024 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.
