Dear Eric: My cousin and his second wife moved to the small town where I live. She has everything going for her, yet she can’t seem to stop complaining. My cousin urged/asked me to befriend her, so she’ll be happier here.
When we get together, which is frequently, I am stuck listening to her complain and complain. For example, she recently groused about a cruise they’re going on to celebrate a family wedding to which I was not invited. But there I sat, absorbing her beefs about the other guests (my relatives, mind you), and the itinerary she’s been lucky enough to have already visited. Meanwhile, my cousin stared at his phone and didn’t say anything.
It feels like in trying to become her friend, I’ve become her dumping ground instead. She’s an anxious person, so I understand that airing her griefs might be her way of processing anxiety. But I’m not a therapist, so I lack the skills or script to shift her focus. It’s starting to feel like this dynamic is the price of admission to see my cousin. My husband’s no help; plus, she doesn’t do this to him. I’m running out of ideas and patience. So, I wonder, what would you do in my shoes?
—Dumped On
Dear Dumped On: What you’re doing for your cousin and his wife is very nice. But niceness has its limits, and I think you’re just about there. Friendship is a two-way street but if she’s littering it with complaints, you’ve got to take a detour. You can be direct in the moment by saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. Can we change the subject to something more positive? It’ll help both of our moods.”
You can even interrupt your time together by excusing yourself or cutting the visit short when you’ve had enough. Being your cousin’s wife’s friend doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to give her an unlimited amount of your time and energy.
You might even consider getting together less frequently. I know you want to see your cousin, but if your time is being monopolized by his wife, how much quality time are you getting anyway?
She’s hyper-focused on the negative, you can be hyper-focused on creating parameters for this relationship. Decide in advance how much time you’ll commit to complaints and when it’s up, skedaddle.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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