Dear Eric: In the age of Ozempic weight loss, I have an etiquette question. When you see a friend who has lost so much weight, what is the proper thing to say? Saying, “Wow, you look great” makes it sound like they didn’t look good before. Yet, you can’t ignore the change. I’ve been trying to come up with something appropriate, but I’m at a loss.
— What to Say
Dear What to Say: In general, it’s best to not comment on other people’s physical appearance, so I’d say yes, you can ignore the change. People’s bodies change for all kinds of reasons—weight loss programs, medications, surgery, illness, exercise, and more. There’s no shame in looking different or wanting to look different. But the invitation for public commentary is often erroneously assumed. Unless someone says, “I’m feeling great after taking Ozempic and I’m glad I did it,” or something like that, you don’t need to comment.
Dear Eric: I wanted to add a perspective to “Sad Aunt”, who felt great resentment at her nephews who were “gatekeepers” when they were caring for their dying father.
My grandmother was a very social and funny woman. She never met a stranger. When she was diagnosed with late-stage lung cancer, her decline was very surprising and very fast. My father and I flew in to help support, while she was in hospice at home (shoutout to the incredible team of hospice workers who cared for her).
It was very shocking and painful for her, and suddenly, this woman who loved nothing more than having her home filled with as many people as possible for a “sit and visit” wanted no one but her sons and grandchildren near her.
My father was tasked with “gatekeeping” and respecting her wishes. I knew many family members were not happy when he had to turn down phone calls and visits.
End-of-life care is heartbreaking and exhausting. While it may seem, and may very possibly be, a hostile act from the brother’s children, another strong possibility is that his children were rallying around him and giving the care he requested. Perhaps seeing that his children were able to care and reconnect so deeply after a fraught marriage and divorce is heartening. Maybe reaching out with gratitude to his children with compassion and for their care of your dear brother can help bridge a new relationship and together you can all learn and share new memories of your brother and create new bonds.
— Most Grateful Granddaughter
Dear Granddaughter: I’m sorry for the loss of your grandmother and I appreciate this alternative perspective for the letter writer. Sometimes with familial questions that can’t be answered, it’s best to lead with empathy and assume the most generous explanation.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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