Dear Eric: Over the past few years, more and more of my long-time friends have vanished from my life. One sent a message reading, “I am retired,” and when asked how she was enjoying her retirement, sent the same message repeatedly as her reply. One asked me to vacation with her, and when I replied enthusiastically, never contacted me for a long time, only to send a bizarre meme two years later.
The latest was a woman I walk with occasionally. She began screaming at passers-by one morning and walked off. She did send me a message later saying, “you were upset.” I replied that I was worried about her and haven’t heard from her since.
Now I have no friends. We are all retirement age. Are they descending into mental ill-health as a result of the pandemic, or is it me? Am I running folks off because I am being inappropriate somehow?
—Baffled Friend
Dear Friend: This might be a perfect storm of multiple factors. It’s possible that some of your friends are experiencing mental health struggles, while others are going through age-appropriate changes in their capacity for social engagement, and you’re bearing the brunt of all of it. As folks get older and their priorities shift, it’s common for some friendships to fade. (However, bigger shifts in personality or energy levels can indicate a problem, like depression or cognitive issues. So that’s something to look out for.)
Part of this may be a communication issue. You received rather abrupt texts from your retired friend and the friend with the meme. It’s hard to read tone or intention over text sometimes. A call might be helpful in clarifying where you stand.
It’s also a good idea to get an outside eye on how you’re coming across and how you’re approaching friendship from a loved one or a counselor. You don’t need to get too deep into it, if you don’t want to, but a gut check or a simple “am I missing something” will put your mind at ease regarding the appropriateness of your behavior.
Despite what’s going on with your friends, I hope you’re taking steps to avoid loneliness, which can be a major challenge for a lot of seniors. Consider exploring the programming options at a senior center or other community organization. You’ll find people who are in similar states of transition in their friendships and people who are interested in investing time in building new relationships.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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