Dear Eric: I grew up with family members who made it their mission to tell everybody else how to live their life. Because of this contempt for people who have that insatiable need to control others, I have been dedicated to the concept of minding my own business.
I spent more than two decades as a substance-abuse clinician. Both my niece and then later my sister reached out to me because my niece has been using opiates heavily, which cost her a job and almost led to her being incarcerated.
I talked to both of them and laid out a very cogent and reasonable plan (along with psychoeducation on how the brain responds to opiates). My niece went to a therapist once, never went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, never followed up with anything. My sister says everything is fine now, but my sister’s husband also has described an entirely different scenario.
I feel as though my sister invited me into this situation, which negates my long-standing principle of minding my own business, but I am very concerned my niece is going to overdose and die. I want to point out the obvious to my sister, who’s in denial about the seriousness of this situation and the need for therapeutic intervention now (and possibly medication).
Should I “stick my nose in” despite my demand that she and other family members keep their nose out of my business since she did initially invite me in?
—Worried in Wisconsin
Dear Worried: You can and should be as assertive as you can be about this. You have firsthand knowledge of the danger that your niece is in and the professional expertise to help everyone avoid catastrophe. You also likely know how harmful it can be for family members to downplay the threats of opioid addiction. They need an advocate.
I, too, like to mind my own business, but here we are in my business-minding column and I’m declaring temporary absolution. You were invited in. Moreover, this isn’t just a difference of perspective; this is a family in crisis.
Anyone trying to help a relative who struggles with addiction should be clear about boundaries, however. You cannot make someone change, and it can be very easy to take their resistance personally. Make sure you’re checking in with colleagues or friends; they’ll help you keep your focus on the goal of effective intervention for the whole family.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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