Dear Abby: I’ve been divorced for 10 years and have since remarried. I began dating my current wife nine years ago. I have four daughters, ages 24 through 37. Since the divorce, our relationships have been strained because my ex continues to hold them emotionally hostage by feeding her narrative that I’m the bad guy for initiating the divorce. Because my daughters seem to believe everything their mother tells them, it’s been difficult to reintegrate back into their lives because they don’t know what to believe or who to trust.
My new wife gets frustrated when they don’t call me for the big events (birthdays, Father’s Day, holidays, etc.). And I feel horrible because her kids make a point of contacting me for every event. Should I continue accepting where things are with my daughters and wait for them to realize I’m not the monster their mother has painted me as? Or should I try having a hard conversation with each of them and take my chances on possibly saying the wrong thing and making things worse?
—Damned if I do or don’t
Dear Damned: I’m not sure what the circumstances were that made you divorce their mother, but your daughters are no longer children. They are fully into adulthood. I do think a conversation with each of them is in order.
If you approach the subject saying that things don’t always work out as planned, and had you found living with their mother to be tolerable you would still be married, it might make the rest of what you have to say more palatable. If your ex has accused you of infidelity, you have a right to defend yourself as long as you don’t assassinate their mother’s character (which is likely what she has done to yours).
Dear Abby: I am the youngest of four sisters. I lost one of them, “Rachel,” to cancer several years ago. She and I were considered the “failures” of the family because we had to work hard to take care of our families, whereas our other two sisters married into money. Rachel didn’t take part in many family get-togethers because, I’m guessing, she felt out of place. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now that she’s gone because I feel the same way.
It’s aggravating for me now when my sisters come to town. They don’t understand how hard we have to work to get by. They think we and our children, who are out working hard too, can take time off anytime to get together with them when they come on short notice. It’s aggravating, and I’m unsure how to approach this. Please help.
—’Failure’ in Florida
Dear ‘Failure’: Your “successful” sisters appear to be annoyingly obtuse. The next time you receive an invitation on short notice, patiently explain to them the difference in your lifestyle and theirs and point out that it precludes you from changing your schedule at the drop of a hat. Then tell them the amount of time you need to prepare.
(Why you would want to get together with anyone who makes you feel “less than” puzzles me.)
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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