Dear Abby: My in-laws have repeatedly attempted to destroy my marriage. My husband knows they trash-talk us to family, thinking we don’t know it, but he won’t put up any meaningful boundaries or check them whatsoever. I have lost all respect for him because he lies to me, telling me he has confronted them, when I know for a fact he hasn’t.
We separated over this issue, and he spent four years dragging his feet until I got sick of his stalling and began dating to get him to act. He wanted to reconcile, so I made the terms of getting back together clear: confront his family about their toxic behavior, get therapy for his self-esteem issues, and finish working on our house so we could sell it and move away from our neighbor, the heroin dealer who had been harassing us for years.
He finished the house, and after two years on and off the market, I ended up selling it. But the confrontation with his family never happened. I still catch them talking trash about us, and he has refused to go to therapy. I’ve been through therapy and anger management and have come a long way. But he’s firmly entrenched in his dysfunction and doesn’t see or care how it affects me.
I spent the first 10 years of our marriage being an unprioritized afterthought of a wife. I refuse to continue to be that person after everything we’ve been through. When is enough enough?
—At a crossroads in the South
Dear At a Crossroads in the South: Enough was enough when you finally realized your husband wasn’t going to change and accepted that he will never be strong enough to draw the line with his abusive family. I’m surprised your marriage has lasted this long.
Dear Abby: How do you handle a friend who never stops talking? My longtime friend has always been a good storyteller, but as we become older, she hijacks every conversation when we get together. She’s oblivious to verbal or body cues that the rest of us are done with the “conversation” she has chosen and would like to move on. If someone is able to get a word in edgewise, she immediately returns to the previous subject.
I come away from gatherings feeling angry and frustrated. Is there a way to address this without blowing up a lifelong relationship?
—Muzzled in the Midwest
Dear Muzzled in the Midwest: I don’t think there is. You stated that your longtime friend has always been a good storyteller. It is possible that, as you all are growing older, she has begun having cognitive problems. It may also be a reason why she’s not picking up on social cues. Would her spouse (if she has one) or her children (if she has any) have noticed any changes? Start asking. And if the response you receive is that this is “just the way she is,” for the sake of your sanity, see her less often.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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