Dear Abby: I have been married for 22 years. It was a normal relationship, and I was very happy. However, over the last 12 years, my wife has changed. There is zero affection, no hugging, holding hands, and nothing sexual. We are like roommates. She blames it on having been molested when she was a child. Our level of intimacy was normal for the first 10 years.
I have suggested counseling, but she refuses. Bottom line: Should I stay, or should I go? I am 64 years old, and this is my second marriage. I don’t want to start over.
—Starved in Indiana
Dear Starved: Ask your wife if she ever received counseling after she was molested. If she did, she needs more. However, if she did not, then it’s time to explain to her that for the last 12 years she has starved you of affection and human contact, and you do not intend to live the rest of your life this way. Then offer her a choice: counseling to deal with her issue or a divorce. You may not want to start over, but you may have to.
Dear Abby: I brought my dad with dementia into my home. My husband has heart issues. We are all at each other’s throats all the time. My siblings promised they would help take care of our dad, but they haven’t helped much at all. Every once in a while, they may take him for a couple of hours, but then he’s right back. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad. But we really could use more help, though I feel guilty asking for it. Am I supposed to feel this way? I mean, they are his children, too.
—Obligated in Kentucky
Dear Obligated: I hope you realize you may have brought this situation on yourself, and it’s up to you to do something about it. You said you feel guilty asking your siblings for more help taking care of your father. Lose that guilty feeling! They are his children, too, but they aren’t mind readers. Tell them what you need, and if it is more time to yourself and your sick husband, don’t be bashful about saying so.
Dear Abby: My husband bought me a beautiful diamond ring for our 35th anniversary. People often ask how much it cost and why we would spend that. I know I don’t have to explain myself, and I try to be polite. We both work, are debt-free, and don’t bother anyone. What is the proper way to respond to questions like this?
—Diamond Gal in Massachusetts
Dear Diamond Gal: You are correct. You are not obligated to reveal personal financial information, so stop doing it. There’s no end to the personal questions people ask these days. If someone inquires about how much your ring cost or why you would spend that amount of money, simply respond, “You know, that’s a very personal question, and I’m really not comfortable with it.” Then change the subject.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O.Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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