Dear Annie: I’ve been with my boyfriend for over three years. We met when I was a freshman in high school and he was a sophomore. I fell head over heels right away, and we became official nearly a year later. Over time, I learned about his painful childhood—absent father, a mother who had him young and has since moved away, a hostile sibling, and a host of health problems, including scoliosis and arthritis. He can’t afford proper medical care and may one day be confined to a wheelchair. He now lives 30 miles out of town with his grandparents, and my parents often drive me back and forth to see him, since I don’t drive and don’t plan to.
He loves me deeply and makes it his mission to make me happy. But lately, I’ve found myself slowly falling out of love with him. I dread our visits and feel guilty for not being more supportive. He never has good news, and I’ve become more focused on college and my future. I’ve tried to rekindle the feelings I once had by thinking about our happy memories, but nothing seems to spark anymore.
I feel like a terrible person for even thinking about leaving. He’s been through so much and doesn’t deserve to be hurt again. I don’t want to lie to him, but I also don’t want to be the one who breaks his heart. I’m afraid of looking selfish or unkind. How do I end this relationship without feeling like the villain?
—Stuck and Tired
Dear Stuck: What you’re feeling does not make you a villain; it makes you a human faced with a tough emotional decision. Loving someone does not always guarantee that love will last forever, and staying in a relationship out of guilt or fear of hurting someone is not a kindness in the long run.
Your boyfriend has clearly endured more than his share of hardship, and it is understandable that you want to protect him. But you are not his guardian; you are his girlfriend, and a girlfriend who is emotionally checked out, however gently, is not doing him any favors.
Don’t feel that you need a dramatic reason to walk away. Losing feelings is a reason. Outgrowing someone is a reason. Wanting space to build your future is a reason. You are allowed to choose your own path, even if it does not include the person who once meant the world to you.
Be honest with him in a gentle, caring way. Tell him how much you have valued your time together, how much he has taught you and that this decision is not about his worth but about your own truth. It will hurt him, yes. But continuing a relationship built on fading feelings will hurt him more in the end.
You are not heartless. You are just trusting yourself. In the long run, he will be better off if you set him free to find someone who is in love with him. You both deserve that.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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