Dear Annie: I never thought I would be in this position, but I have become estranged from my adult daughter. We used to be incredibly close. When she was younger, we had long talks late into the night, and we would laugh until we cried on road trips. I was there for every heartbreak, every success, and I truly believed we had a bond that would last a lifetime.
But over the past few years, things began to shift. She started pulling away and setting boundaries I did not fully understand. Small disagreements turned into long silences. One day, she stopped returning my calls. I reached out with cards, messages, and birthday gifts for the grandchildren, but I rarely get a response. She has told me she needs space, but she will not say why or what I did to cause this distance.
I have apologized more than once for anything I might have done to hurt her, even though I do not know exactly what it is. I feel like I am grieving someone who is still alive. I miss her every single day, and the pain of being cut off from my grandchildren is almost too much to bear. I see photos online and feel like I am watching their lives go on without me.
I want to respect her wishes, but I am also holding on to hope that one day we might reconnect. Is there anything I can do to begin to repair this relationship, or do I need to accept that she may be gone from my life for good?
—Grieving the Distance
Dear Grieving: Few pains cut as deeply as being shut out by your own child. You are mourning not only the loss of a relationship but the silence, the not knowing, and the ache of missing milestones in your grandchildren’s lives. I hear your heartbreak, and you have my deepest sympathy.
You have done what a loving parent can do. You have reached out, expressed remorse, and tried to keep the door open. That is all anyone can ask. But reconciliation takes two people. If your daughter is not ready or willing, you cannot force the timing—or the outcome.
Continue to leave gentle openings, not pressure. A card on holidays, a short note on a birthday, a photo from the past with a simple “thinking of you.” These are quiet reminders that your love remains steady, even in absence.
And in the meantime, take care of you. Speak with a counselor if the grief feels too heavy. Find purpose and joy where you can. This estrangement may not last forever, but you must not let it consume the life you still have.
You are not alone. Many loving parents are walking the same painful road. Keep walking with dignity and an open heart.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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