Dear Annie: I’ve been married for over 25 years, and from the outside, it probably looks like we have a stable life. We raised kids together; we pay the bills; we attend family functions. But inside the walls of our home, I feel painfully alone.
My husband and I barely talk anymore unless it’s about schedules, errands or something to do with the house. There’s no affection, no real conversation, and certainly no intimacy. I’ve tried to bring it up many times, and he either brushes me off, tells me I’m being too emotional, or just sits in silence like he’s waiting for me to stop talking. It’s like he’s checked out years ago and is just going through the motions.
I’m not looking for fireworks or grand gestures; I just want to feel like we’re partners again. I want to feel seen. I’ve even wondered if it would be better to live alone and be lonely than to live like this with someone who barely notices me.
Is this just how long marriages go? Is there any way to reconnect when one person seems so far gone? Or am I clinging to something that isn’t coming back?
—Lonely in My Own Home
Dear Lonely: You are not alone in feeling this way. Many long-term marriages go through seasons of disconnection, especially after the children are grown and life settles into routine. That said, just because something is common does not mean it is acceptable to feel invisible in your own relationship.
Marriage should be more than shared chores and quiet meals. It should be a place where you feel seen, valued, and emotionally safe. When communication dries up and affection disappears, it creates a slow, aching kind of loneliness that can be worse than being alone.
You have already tried talking to your husband, and he seems unwilling or unable to engage. That is frustrating and telling. If he will not come to the table, you may need to take the first step toward change by seeking support for yourself. A good therapist can help you sort through your feelings, clarify what you need, and decide what you are willing to live with.
Sometimes, a shift in one partner can awaken something in the other. Sometimes, it does not. But no one should spend years living in silence and calling it love.
You deserve connection. You deserve to feel like your life is shared, not just side by side but heart to heart. Start by reconnecting with yourself. From there, the next steps will become clearer.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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