Dear Eric: I left my 32-year marriage more than 20 years ago, due to my ex-husband’s extramarital affairs. We have four adult children who I virtually raised alone as he was never available to them physically or emotionally.
I wanted the children to have a good relationship with their father as I treasured my relationship with my parents. I tried to protect the children from what was happening leading up to our divorce. I had counseling leading up to leaving him and after, and it’s taken me a long time to be at peace.
My eldest daughter was very angry with me for a long time after our divorce and blamed me for the breakup and any issues her dad was having with other people. I haven’t been able, or wanted to go into details with her, and I told the psychologist we saw together this was how I felt, and she didn’t advise against it.
My problem now is that he is or has slowly alienated me from the children and grandchildren. He chose to live with the wealthiest of the women he was seeing, and they have done very well.
Christmas this year was much better as my eldest daughter asked if we could have a joint gathering, instead of one with him and then one with me, and I said that’s fine. But I find he is rewriting his/our family history. When we were together, I would say he treated the truth with careless disregard. I don’t know that I can be bothered doing anything about his behavior. I guess in spite of everything I remember the man I thought he was, and now I think he is rather sad. Do you agree I should just let it go? If they believe he is the victim and good guy, well so be it.
— Just Want a Peaceful Life
Dear Peaceful: Yes, let it go, but with an asterisk. You know the truth as you experienced it, and resigning from the debate society doesn’t mean that you have to accept a different narrative or even let it go unchallenged. But, for the sake of healing, it will be helpful to sort out what you need in order to feel at peace.
I know that it’s incredibly painful to have your children poisoned against you, particularly after all you did to preserve their relationship with their father. You don’t have to keep shielding them, if you are in any way. But, as your letter alludes, you may stand to lose more by trying to win them over than you would by focusing on the relationship you can have with them separate from their father.
You’ve had to focus so much of your time and mental energy on this man, even after the divorce. You have the opportunity now to focus on yourself, and I’m glad you’re interested in taking it. Prioritizing your own life and interests will not only make you happier, but it creates an undeniable narrative: you’re doing just fine, and your children and grandchildren would be lucky to know the real you better.
Dear Eric: I work in an outpatient center where I, along with a few others, see multiple patients (lactating parents working on feeding their babies). On my lunch break, I choose to close the door, put my feet up and close my eyes for 30 minutes. Several times, a coworker had opened the door (when starting her shift, looking for an open exam room) without knocking, which caused me to startle, and we both scared each other.
We are merely coworkers — hi and bye — and nothing else. This has also happened while I am in the middle of a consultation with a vulnerable parent feeding their baby. All doors are closed during consultations. It baffles me that this has happened not once or twice but a total of six times in the last year.
The only thing I can think of to say is, “Can you knock?” But I fear I will come off annoyed (which I am). It also makes me question this coworker’s knowledge of informed consent if she has no issue entering a room without knocking. Please, help!
— Don’t Knock Knocking
Dear Knock: Since this habit has the potential to impact patients’ experiences, and potentially their privacy, a coaching conversation is in order. Even an annoyed one. But even keeled and direct works, too. Try something like, “Hey, I’ve noticed that sometimes you enter closed doors without knocking. Can I offer some advice? It’s best practice to knock first for the following reasons…” (Here’s where your expertise comes in.)
Additionally, a little sign or a Post-It on the door when you’re on your lunch break that reads “Please don’t disturb until…” or something of that nature will reinforce the message.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
