Dear Eric: I am a female executive employed by a large global corporation. It is a common practice in my workplace, and an expectation of my job, that I meet with colleagues, customers and service providers, sometimes while traveling for work, often solo, often for business lunches and dinners at restaurants.
My husband is a business owner in a different industry, has never worked in a professional office setting and his work colleagues are all male.
My business lunches and dinners are a point of contention with my husband if they involve me dining alone with another male. He gets upset and angry.
I have talked with him about why he thinks this way. He says he has no insecurity or distrust, rather, it is just disrespectful of me to have work dinners alone with other men. I have tried to provide the context that this is commonplace in my profession and workplace.
I have asked what I can do to help him think differently about this, and what difference does it make if a work colleague is a man, a woman or nonbinary. He has supported my career in every other respect, and we maximize our time together even though we each work long hours. I try to avoid solo work dinners with men but sometimes it is necessary, in which case I give him as much advance notice and information as possible and brace myself for the argument.
— Exec Who Means No Disrespect
Dear Exec: Your husband says he doesn’t have insecurity or distrust but absent those emotions, I struggle to see what his issue is. I read your letter, and I kept thinking, “Well, does he trust her, or not?” Because in a secure marriage, a dinner alone with anyone, even a male business colleague, is a rather innocuous thing.
Every marriage has its own internal rules and there may be some readers for whom solo dinners of this sort would be a mutually agreed upon no-go. That’s perfectly fine. But in your case, it’s not a mutually agreed upon aspect of your marriage. Moreover, this objection undermines the validity of your career. He’s got to do better.
Bring this point of contention to couple’s therapy. There are aspects of his response that read as controlling; that’s something to talk about with a neutral third party. Similarly, you’ve had to negotiate the emotional impact of these arguments and any guilt that has come up. This is also something you can and should bring up in therapy.
Sometimes when everything else about a relationship is working, it’s very productive to tackle one specific question in therapy. Sometimes the solution is easy; sometimes there is a lot more to uncover. Give yourselves the space to explore, so that you can continue to do your job without guilt, and he can learn to support you.
Dear Eric: I have a friend I have known since college. We are both 70. She asks personal questions that hurt me. There are two that really bother me, and I would like to know how to respond.
I have struggled with my weight for years. She constantly tells me to take Ozempic or have weight-loss surgery. It hurts my feelings a lot. I would never consider giving her any advice, especially this kind. She is thin. My cardiologist is against any weight-loss drugs.
The second inquiry is that she continues to ask me how much I inherited from my parents. I worked for 45 years. She worked for 20. She is married to a successful man. I have been married twice but am single now and have always supported myself. I own my own home. How do I address this?
— Tired of Nosiness
Dear Tired: Directness is your best friend here. You should probably address each issue separately, so that the conversation doesn’t become derailed by your friend feeling like you’re piling on complaints. Start with the weight-loss comments. Using “I” statements, let her know what you will and won’t put up with. For instance, “I don’t want to talk about my weight or any potential solutions for weight loss anymore. In the past you’ve made suggestions, and I know your heart is in the right place, but I feel hurt by them. Would you please stop?”
You don’t have to debate this or give any other explanation. If she brings it up again, remind her, “I told you this makes me uncomfortable. I won’t talk about it with you and if you can’t respect that, we can’t talk.”
With the inheritance, try something in the moment. The next time she asks you, tell her “the answer isn’t going to change no matter how many times you bring it up. I’m not discussing it, and I’d like you to drop it.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
