Dear Eric: I had a relationship with a man for eight years, during a turbulent time in my life. We broke up five years ago. He has cut all contact with me. However, he still talks to my mother. She pays his rent, bought him a new car that was the same make and model as the one she helped me buy, but one year newer.
I have told her that her contact with my ex makes me uncomfortable. I know she is her own person, and I can’t make her stop. But I hate that he is still connected to and leeching off of my parents.
She has some story about owing him something for how he took care of me (blech! I’m an adult and can take care of myself!) The other story she has told me is, she will stop contact once he graduates his teaching program (he has been in and out of various teaching programs since 2015). How can I get her to see how awkward and inappropriate her contact with my ex is? As it currently stands, she doesn’t talk about him with me, but sometimes I walk in on her on a phone call and she won’t tell me who it is (so I immediately know who it is, because she wouldn’t hide anyone else from me) and sometimes I accidentally see her emails from his property company. What can I do?
— Awkward Forever
Dear Awkward Forever: This is more than awkward; it seems close to predatory. It’s especially troubling that your ex has cut off contact with you but still maintains a one-sided financial relationship with your mother.
While you’re right that your mother is her own person and has to be responsible for her decisions, if she’s been convinced that she owes your ex something, it’s possible that this has hallmarks of financial elder abuse. I want to stress the word possible – I cannot say for certain that’s what’s happening. But if you suspect your mother is being exploited financially, contact your local Adult Protective Services Program (you can google the APS for your state or go to napsa-now.org to find listings for every state).
Dear Eric: My home has been the gathering place for family functions for years. I was the family event planner, organizing trips, putting down the deposits and planning holidays. You name it I did it. It was very stressful, but I did it for family unity.
I decided to shut down all family functions at my home (with the exception of my children and grandchildren) after I experienced an unexpected job layoff that lasted two years. I asked family members for financial help, but I received so many excuses of why they could not help me. I understood.
However, during this period I was still asked, “What are the plans for XYZ?” Are you kidding me? I was barely meeting my financial needs. I kindly informed them “I am not hosting anymore family functions. Someone else needs to take on the reins.” Well, no one did. I eventually gained employment and enjoyed a wonderful career. Now I’m enjoying retirement.
I have gotten snarky comments over the years whenever I post pictures of my children and grandchildren enjoying ourselves, e.g. “Oh, you went on vacation and did not tell anyone. I wanted to go, too.” I usually ignore these comments. (I guess with retirement I can finally read the comments versus zooming through them). But it’s starting to rile me up. Should I say something?
— Host with the Most
Dear Host: Ooh, there’s very little that burns my biscuits more than a passive-aggressive social media comment. “Where’s my invite?” I don’t know; where’s your down payment? Some people see gentle needling as the same as a compliment or benign conversation. I heartily disagree.
You’re, rightfully, still feeling frustration about the fact that your family didn’t rise to the occasion when you had to step back from hosting. It’s about financial support, yes, but it’s also about values. It’s easy to feel like your efforts were taken for granted back then. And comments about your present excursions likely feel the same. What you want is for someone to say “I see how hard you worked to make things nice for our family. Thank you; I appreciate you. We should have made things nice for you, too, but I’m happy you have the time and means to create memories and enjoy yourself now.” If you’re not hearing it from them, hear it from me: I’m happy for you; you deserve this.
Every time one of those comments riles you up, pull up a photo album from a recent trip and remind yourself that some people just talk about plans (or type about them), and some people do them. You’re a doer.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
